Betty knew that god had her back.

Goals in the creative brain

picking a train of thought is difficult. whatever I choose to start writing will determine the rest of what I write. It's a creative choice. 

sometimes we make creative choices without deliberating. We have no concern for the direction of the expression.

With no internal monologue inhibiting our flow of decisions - choices fly past and content is produced. 

It's an elusive state of the brain I think. Artists are always trying to reach it - believing that their best work is achieved 

from this state.

They might be correct. If I let the walls of thought fall down and allow my neurons free roam - maybe they'll chat to each other and come up with something truly intuitive and complex

maybe that depends on my intelligence, or maybe more precisely, the types and number of connections between neurons.

If every experience generates new connections (I don't know if this is true) then perhaps I should just go out and experience as much as possible. 

Am I confusing artistic maturity with truly insightful creation? is that every artists goal?

What do i think about achieving while I create? Can I really stop myself from thinking anything at all? will I always have a target audience in mind? or a target response at least?

In the middle of writing a song I use my basic ability on the guitar and with language along with the random chance of hitting a new note combination that works well.

While this is happening , I am purposefully trying to make something with meaning for my audience. My audience is everyone whose opinion I value, which is unfortunately more people than I would like.

I try and make it sound "cool", catchy, interesting, intelligent but relaxed, familiar but original, always original. Not original themes, but an original take on a theme,

a clever way of looking at it. It's usually always about relationships and love and loss and fun. Sometimes it's just words that fit with a theme that's anybodies guess.

I imagine "would I like this if I heard it on the radio?" "would I change channel?" I then adjust that standard to what I guess is the taste of the Australian/American public.

I say Australian/American because the bulk of my musical influences are from these countries, my style of play is simply a collection of my favourite artists mixed together (not particularly well if you ask me.

I like it when someone says " wow, I liked it when you went here with the song - it was unexpected" 

or,  "wow, I can totally relate to that"

or when they guess at what I'm trying to say and create a story better than any I might have had (I usually don't have one)

Even though I don't really care intensely about the content of my songs (maybe I should), I still care when people don't relate or enjoy them. It's as though I'm personally connected to my creation in a way that affects me emotionally when others respond. Sharing a creation is taking a risk. Almost like asking someone out. It's very difficult to detach yourself from something that you've created, if you like it that is. Would we create if there wasn't an emotional connection to what we've made?  Does everyone want some attention for their work? even if they don't admit it? 

will I grow out of it? I doubt it. There must be a state of being that makes it less nerve racking though. MDMA would probably help, but I value my brain cells. I suppose we just have to weigh up the risk versus benefit and make a decision as to whether to pursue the endeavour. And hopefully, eventually, we have taken the risk so many times (or received the benefit sufficiently) that it isn't hard any more, it's just fun. I'm sure this is what all "successful" artists go through. I'm sure stand up comedians always feel this way. On the edge of a pit, balancing on laughter. Somehow they ride the roller coaster and keep getting back on for more. Are any of them so secure that it's just fun? or just a job? if it's just a job now, why do you bother? is the point of doing it that it challenges us to feel the risk, feel the drama - know that we might fail and know the pleasure of not doing so.

I think everyone struggles with this. I think it must be related strongly to suicide and depression. Self worth and the judgement of our output. 

Choosing what we value in life is so important. What do you want? what will make you happy? Are you making others happy and neglecting yourself? Are there simple things that make you happy but you want more? Is our industry of fame causing us to feel forever inadequate? 

How many chances do we get when we make mistakes? who gets to judge us? when are we too far gone? what about the people who know us best? does their opinion of us matter? do their memories of us attest to a greater version of us than is represented by our choices today? or a worse version?

One answer for me that seems to come from nowhere and everywhere all at once is : have children and raise them well.

I guess it could certainly be cultural and likely is. but the obvious biological history is very influential also. We are not slaves to our biology thanks to the functions of our advanced brains, but I'm sure that the urge is instinctive. I don't presume it's universally present- but I'm sure it is rewarding for many and would be for me. It's a risk, but I feel like I have the skills and passion to do well as a parent. I value the opportunity more than anything, It feels like a lasting contribution to the culture and civilisation that has allowed me so many personal joys. I can pass on my passion, or at least my wealth and some skills. And the risk is huge - I could lose them early or I could make mistakes that were irreversible. I want to be so much for my children, but fear of inadequacy is strong. I want them to have more opportunity than I've had, I want to give them a happy life of learning and loving like I'm living now. 

In case my parents read this, I am so lucky to have had the life and opportunities I have had, my decisions have all been my own for some time now and I am already happier than I could ever want for my children. I would just like to give them a chance to do extra things that I now know would have got me further in my own interests (science and music mainly) but there is every chance that they won't care about these things anyway. I hope they do.